On Tuesday, we gave medication for the first time and because it was our first time, we had to run through everything with our instructor one at a time. I just so happened to be the last one to go over things, and my scheduled time was actually alot later than anticipated, resulting in me giving my patient his meds 2 hours late. Because I was kind of waiting around to do meds, I didn't get to give my patient his bedbath, change his linens, or anything I had intended on doing. In fact, I kept on waking him up and he got really upset...like...whimpering, upset. That was probably one of the worst feelings I've experienced in a really long time. I want to be a nurse to help ppl and I felt like I did nothing but upset him and bother him. So at the end of my day, I asked him to tell me what I could work on for the next day and he said that he really disliked being woken up because it was hard for him to fall asleep. I told him that I was working on time management and hoped to do better tomorrow, with a new plan. So I learned that I needed to organize my day better and that I should've done tasks inbetween the waiting around, instead of helping other patients I wasn't assigned to. So I definitely felt awful on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, I was super charged to do better than the day before, I was on a mission to redeem myself and give my patient better care than the day before. I got to do everything I had wanted and more! I shaved a man's face for the first time, I did alot of things that I never thought I would be able to do and it surprised me. In spending time with my patient, I learned so much about him and his past and he said some things about me that were amazing to hear and so rewarding. I will spare you the details, but it really made me see that I have made the right decision in choosing nursing. Because I felt such a connection to my patient, it made it so difficult to leave him. I'm not going to lie, I cried. Like a big 21 year old baby. Not by his bedside, of course, but I was definitely choked up there. I removed myself and went to the nursing station where the tears continued to build, so I quickly walked to the staff bathroom where I composed myself. At post-conference, they came back but still in a controlled way, and I held back, I really did. I didn't want to be a blubbering mess at the hospital, I really wanted to keep it in until I came home. I was really worried about the image of "professionalism" that could be jeopardized if I was seen crying.
I knew coming into nursing school that the emotional aspects would be the greatest challenge for me and I always hear that if I don't find an outlet, that this job can eat you and affect your personal life. This week, I really felt it. It scared me because I didn't think that I had the tools to deal with emotionally taxing situations. I did my fair share of crying this past week and it drained me more than any assignment, test, or from lack of sleep. I couldn't deal with it. I cried on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and finally, on Friday, I found my lifeline, so to speak. One classmate of mine, whom I have an immense amount of respect for, pulled me aside after my Professional Practice class (1040) and really just guided me and let me know that she's really been there. That was what I needed. After 10 weeks, I've finally found someone in my program that I'm really emotionally connected to and understands me. Not that I don't get along with my clinical group cuz I really do, but noone is as emotional as I am and when noone else is crying, you feel weak, irrational, and embarrassed.
I finally understand what the other students were saying when they said that your friends outside of school don't understand what you're doing through and that you need to find someone in your program to support you. I feel so incredibly better now and it's a relief.
Back to homework!!
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