Tuesday was a good day, I didn't have much to do and I got to actually interact with the family members of my patients a lot - something that I haven't had the opportunity to do much of yet. I got to do some family teaching and it was kind of neat. Both of my patients this week had a lot of family involvement and that always makes me happy because of the social support.
Wednesday, though, now that's a completely different story. I took vitals for one of my pts and his condition had gone south and apparently he had an awful day Tuesday. When I was outside charting my vitals for pt 1, there was a code blue called in the room on my right. Then a minute later, the pt in the room on my left died and I heard this blood curdling scream...and they were crying so hard, it broke my heart, to say the least. I stood there and the tears were just streaming down my face because it was so hard to hear. Wednesday was the first day I actually questioned whether or not I could do this for life. That, coupled with the fact that both my patients were doing poorly on the second day was really hard for me to see and deal with. I was so discombobulated and it totally affected my care and mood. I came home and I could tell that I was physically affected by it, my chest was tight, my stomach was unsettled, and I just felt bad. To be fair, I am sick, too, but still! It was sad, is what I'm getting at.
So I came home, felt bad, and really questioned myself and my capabilities. But the more I thought about it, I thought of all the good things I've come across this past semester - the experience with the legally blind pt, the time with the first pt I really connected with and had a hard time leaving, all the encouragement I've received from patients, and most recently, having my pt's daughter and son thank me - and genuinely thank me, on Wednesday. I heard coming into the program that I had to find things about nursing that motivated me, to hold on to the things that make me happy and to cling to things that I found rewarding; there are so many ugly things that I'm going to see and have seen already. I always worry that I'm going to forget about everyone, but I've been going back and I've remembered all the pts I've been able to help and all the encouraging things they've said to me. Their encouragement and gratitude have provided a pillow of comfort for me and for now, no amount of sadness can take that away from me. I know nursing can be an ugly job, but what I need to hear is encouragement, I don't need to hear things like "You should've thought about it before you started." I need support, not condescension. Thankfully, I've had more of the former rather than the latter.
PBL is hands down one of my favorite courses. This week when we were doing our final evals for each other, it really moved me to read what everyone thought and some of the things that ppl said was so incredibly heart warming. I'm so sad that I'm going to have a new group next semester but I'm incredibly thankful that I had such a great group this level.
Some aspects of nursing are tough, but I love it.
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